when did it start?

Sometimes don't you ever wonder when did it start?

I have this fear for people which i'm sure many can relate to, but i wondered when did it start? Was it when i realized the world was confined to what people thought of? Was it when i saw my ugly sides? Was it when i lost trust in strangers? Was it when the world opened my eyes? Whenever it was, i'm still haunted by it.

But heck another version of me without this fear may prove to be just as unattractive to me. Still, i cant help but feel that i lose something in exchange for this choice of living, of fearing. Truth is you always have to give up something when you choose. I've never really thought on whether i did choose it. more like, i couldn't run from it. Its a part of me. Instinct, a feeling from a certain emotion..........it's not even explainable. But its strong.

I'm just rambling i suppose, you might not even get it and i don't blame you. It just means you are clean perhaps even pure for not being suspicious of people the way i am. Sadly enough this proves that i'm weak. Oh well, Laa hawlaa wa laa quawatta illah billah.

note: how come the time for my blog is not same as my computer?? 

Suddenly missing

i was thinking of how i'm currently still hoping to find my missing letter and that this hide-and-seek game is too tiring. then suddenly, i missed playing my childhood games. the moments where i would scream as i ran about and feel the adrenaline rushing through me. ahh, wish i could do that again. wish i had all that energy and zest in me. wish i was still naive to everything. wish i was still full of potential to overcome anything. 

wishing, that's all i'm doing. what a lazy thing i am. next time i meet my old friends, i think i'll suggest a game of ice-and-fire or taxi. we'd be awkward about it i suppose but then this is the only option available to relive that part of my life. that or dream.......

was talking about this once during dinner with my friend. her reply was that "All you need is a playground." it somehow made sense, but no playground it designed for older and more heavier people is there? still i would also need playmates to actually enjoy said playground. Now i'm reminded of how lonely an empty playground is hahahahaha...

i'll end this before i get more nostalgic and sad. below are explanations to the games, i hope i got it right.

note: 
ice-and-fire> where the amount of people are separated equally into the groups of ice and fire. the ices are then to chase and freeze all the fire to win the game. but, the fires are allowed to save their friends by touching them and yelling fire. to freeze the fire, the ices have to touch and yell ice. i forgot, can the ice turn to fire? i think you can or else wouldn't the game just be never ending?

taxi (my school's version?) > where everyone was to never touch the ground and there was one enemy. the enemy was to close his/her eyes and touch around to find people. once touched you're out of the game. ahh, this game is abit like hide-and-seek huh.

hide-and-seek> do i even need to explain? its a famous game among kids of many cultures still it may differ right. so, basically there is again only one enemy. he/she was to count to a certain number and then seek for those who went to hide when he was counting. warning: when he/she was counting, that person must have closed their eyes.

a digestion condition

had diarrhea at the start of the year and thought to myself, maybe just maybe my family has digestion problems?

my elder sister is said to have a sensitive gastric condition, sounds a bit exaggerated but i find medical terms should give of that feeling.

anyway, im rather prone to having lots of diarrhea but the doctor said having it alot isnt a problem. however, you tend to lose alot of water when you go through diarrhea so that maybe a danger. still, its okay and actually more preferable compared to flu, fever or gastric for me. the pain is only for some time and it has medicine that can cure it quickly. 

this time i think it was the overdose of cheese that triggered it. that day i had decided to go out to celebrate new year (in a way). so because i went to a favourite bakery of mine, i bought all sorts of cheese filled bun. my mistake. a bakery is very dangerous, it always has been. i find it amazing when people can bake so well, im not even sure if i could produce some decent cookies. 

aside from that, i watched Les Miserables yesterday. its a very touching movie although rather weird cause its a musical. my tudung was wet with tears after it ended. so for those who havent watched it and are the easily teary kind, do bring tissues. you may just need it.

and lastly, i have now three more assignments to go and so many tutorials too. so bye bye!

note: my cute lecturer is single! hahahaha! can admire without guilt.

that house

the title is going to be somewhat irrelevant but here goes nothing. (more like something if you count me typing away).

It gets tiring when what you love and trust in is constantly insulted. Im currently doing an assignment of Islamic law and boy! have there been many remarks about the Prophet on the internet. I understand if they were to, you know, provide some clarity on who or what he was but come on lah....do you have to compare? not to mention be arrogant and say how wrong others are? *sigh*

the point is i feel like the guy whose brand new house got splashed red paint with for no reason. read this in the news a few days ago, poor guy. i mean that house was expensive man~ 

oh, also in the news, tear jerking story on how this guy learned a valuable lesson when he killed 3 cubs of snow leopard. the picture just broke my heart, dangerous-claw-sharpened-innocent-looking-leopard, Alhamdullillah, the man now works to helps these poor creatures.

i guess, sometimes we take our thinking too far and only just regret it later when we find that we were wrong. that's hard, telling not only yourself but others that you were wrong. i can see that, and i understand. but, i think i still havent learn.

note: im doing it at my own pace. its all according to God's plan.

powerless and burdened

I don't know what to do.

My heart feels heavy.

My stomach a little unhappy.

My mind in a mess. 

And my soul in depress.

Ya Allah S.W.T., you of all and anyone know how weak I am. Give me strength. I don't know how to respond to news of sadness and fears. especially if i'm so far from the person concerned. i am powerless to help and yet my whole being is so burdened. God give me strength. Amin.

TALK ABOUT JOY AND CRY

Recently, my eldest brother bought me some air plane tickets for my journey home and back. I'VE DISCOVERED THAT I'M RATHER A MONEY GOBLIN. To my shame, when I found that he had purchased a RM 200 ticket for one flight, tears poured out my eyes. And then i got dizzy and tragically called myself sick and did not move from the bed until the next day. (which was like somewhere in the am part of a day)

 HAHAHAHAHA! but i could just blame it on my period so.....moving on....

today, i splurged! on no less than 4 mildly good comics, it so happens that one of them was the continuation of this long comic. which by the way was a good long comic but i'll not spoil it here cause my sister hasn't read it perhaps and I've not sent it. might mention the name of said good long comic in comments, so watch out! Also, I spent my money to just ride the bus and eat some kuih as well as mee goreng. This famous dish although supposedly something i should like enjoy everyday is just something i take once in a while whenever i miss the taste of it.

i also failed my mid term for tort law. oh goody! =_= now stress lah for the finals. insyallah the others wont be so bad on my heart and conscience. finally got rid of doing my criminal assignment but the presentation is soon and other assignments will start piling up. ugh! i dread........but what to do i want high scores so must FOCUS!

i also had a chat with a friend who is amazing in both arts and writing, oh why do i keep finding amazing people. oh, but thats not the point. the point is i find myself pretty average when comparing. i know, i know. DUN COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS. easily said then done, still i got some points in the cleaning department im sure.

I'm still not done with Romeo and Juliet, since i am a really really really slow reader. its a bad habit i wish i could break! even so, i went and borrowed other books. rather ambitious but good books are very seductive and i blame it entirely on the authors. i'm finding that my topics have now dwindled to zero hence good day! and adieu. 

note: i missed comic fiesta to go to tort tutorial but i missed tutorial as well. BAD BAICA!

this life of mine.

am now just posting something to update my readers on my life.

yesterday, i took up a book on "JINN". i'm a coward when it comes to unseen things or unnatural, if you must. the book speaks of how they are made from fire, and although it was at times eye opening. it made me question more upon that existence. like the devil, is of fire. but some say he was an angel, yet angels are made from light. so........what was he? 

other than that, apparently they have the power to take the human form and such. so me just picturing the worse sort of faces might not be correct. i wonder, clearly such knowledge are not for me to gain and ponder upon. still, its good to know your fears better. makes it abit more understandable.

besides that book, i also read abit on "ROMEO AND JULIET". i of course for more entertainment purposes, read it aloud. oh! how fun it is. i especially like the part where Romeo is being such a sad case of a broken heart. you can tell teenagers then and now are quite the same. but i must say, he was rather quick to kill himself. 

am still searching for a smaller book in the library that may consist of emily dickinson's poems but i'm thinking it would be best to go buy it. after all, poems take more time understanding than a story. laundry should be done now. i'm off. ahhh, the life of a student.

note: crash course literature and Adyla made me dabble into poetry these days.