sea witch

now it has happen once or twice where i have mistaken my dreams as memories. and i am forgetting things faster now. example, today i have no idea where my land law act is. i thought of bringing it out with me, but i realize that throughout the whole journey and lecture the book may have not been with me. hence, as i type this out in the library i hope my book is laying somewhere safe in my room.

and yesterday me and my friend did a health check up. it can be confirmed that my height is officially 159 cm. harharharharhar, wish i was taller then my weight would be nearer to my ideal weight and so my younger sister doesn't reach my height. as at the number where i am........i should lose 6 more kg. it is so sad to know that after more than one month from home i am still at the same number. this is not good at all.

my mind is at the moment filled with thinking about assignments, studies, fees, money, weight, missing statute, manga and transport. my friend has advised me to buy tickets during this week and not to commit suicide by buying later. 

i wonder if it is really unfair of me being so laid back here....i mean its not like its so easy but i guess people make you feel guilty for the way u live. i think most of the times i just push it to the back of my mind and try put up all sorts of mind walls around that issue. conclusion, i hesitate to go back there again.

also i figured out why i don't like seemingly nice people, it is cause of pity. i leave the entry at this because like i got work to do and i read somewhere people who talk alot do alot of mistake. don't if that applies here but i'm thinking it does.

note: my ramadan.......somehow i kind of do wish the month was longer.

towers of paper

Ramadan is in! and i'm super lazy on the weekends. what the hell is wrong with me? why can't i be up and learning at the early morning? i'm hating myself more than before. especially cause with so many work i should realize that the situation is going to explode in my face.

Few days back my friend seems real motivated to lose her weight. i'm thinking how i envy that motivation, and start to wish she wouldn't change. Gawd, i'm an awful friend. Maybe what i need to some restructuring of my books and things. a lecturer once told me she liked to do that so she would feel refreshed. i plan to do just that, who cares if i sleep late. i obviously do not deserve anymore shut eye after what i did for the whole morning.

I'm thinking i should also move the pasting on my wall around. a change of scenery yeah. and now i've got nothing to say but that i've been too lazy and i pray ALLAH S.W.T. give me motivation and strength to finish what i've taken upon myself. Amin.

note: Bazaar Ramadan is dangerous. Buying too many things that i don't need.

no way gone

mid term season is in, and assignments are hatchings? my mind is haunted by this fear that i'm not prepared for the up coming troubles. that and the fact that ramadhan is starting next week. i watched this video and supposedly i should celebrate this incredible month but truthfully i'm quite terrified. don't know how it is any different from the last years but there it is. 

having just gone through a discussion session with a close friend i'm lost on how i should view the world. openly? or conservatively? either way, i just hope that i'm not pressing her with stupid thoughts. which is highly likely a possible outcome to what i have done. ugh.... 

i've also recently been getting too many teasing remarks about an admirer. i've got issues with the opposite gender and let's just say i'm okay being cold towards them. of course this would affect my whole life and reputation but i can't help but see them as dangerous. anyway, the teasing is to the point where i am so annoyed i might be glaring at the admirer. and then there is the information given to my friend about secret pictures. hrmm... 

whatever lah. i leave it all to Allah S.W.T..

additionally, i just realised that for this whole trimester i would have to wake up early daily. personally i don't understand how morning people do it, i mean it sounds very miraculous for them to wake up early and not want to go back to bed. wish i had this super power. hahaha, of all things to ask. 

i'd like to conclude this entry with the fear of going back to kampung for raya. sure sometimes i enjoy it but overall i always silently dread it. kind of a love and hate thing? i don't know. i think people who are not as loving as me may understand the awkwardness and tiring situation that is present when meeting family.

note: i'm doom to spinsterhood and maybe loneliness.

letting the beast be me

i have long ago been told that i'm too serious. that i cannot take jokes. many may find this a flaw and annoying. but even after those remarks, i'm still me. i can't take jokes. can i say that being serious means you're sincere? that's what i feel being serious is. 

a day back i got sort of in trouble with a friend of mine, Mariah. she's an amazing girl, who shockingly thinks i'm pretty and is my friend. to be my friend i think is a great accomplishment. i'm not friendly, i'm a miser, i'm at many times annoying, i'm a sort of a clean freak and well i'm just not in all a great person. thus, when we fought i started to feel worthless. i mean if i could not keep this friend over a stupid mistake, am i not a horrible friend? a worthless friend?

and bad thoughts tend to lead to other bad thoughts which then brought me to cry. the heart wrenching kind. for me, the nicest kind. i get the feeling of relief after crying. maybe that is weird but i like what i like.

yesterday, i attended this annual seminar my society in the university has and well i managed to stay awake for two speakers! after not having slept the night! unfortunately though, when my academic advisor was giving her lecture, i went to wonderland. damn luck, it was like listening to a hypnosis guru. sleep came like a silent killer. anyway, it was real awesome especially the medical speaker. he was very and i mean very funny. i laughed hard and so did my friend beside me, the whole hall would agree that he was the most entertaining one of the day. okay may be not the whole.

i realize that what i said about being serious and having a fight did not finish so here's the continuing. yeah, i don't care if you're bothered by the way i write. just stop if it hurts. then come back after a panadol. anyway, she was playing a joke on me and i took it seriously thinking that she was mad. but after a silence of 30 minutes, she tells me it's a joke. i'm sure it's there somewhere on my facebook timeline. you may have opinions to which i am not willing to hear so please keep it to yourself. this was a thing between friends. who by the by are still friends. 

i've for a long time not placed an entry so i might as well make this long then. my friend's cat, Kecoh, who loves me a tiny bit, got her leg broken. she now is said to have to limp her whole life. i'm just glad she seems not to find it hard or painful to live with. my mum's birthday is tomorrow! i hope i remember about it. ah shit, and now i remember about my homework. ugh, should start soon but am so lazy. also, made birthday cards for my friends who had and are going to age. 

wat else ah....................................oh HAZE! YES FUDGE THIS HAZE PROBLEM IN MALAYSIA. i hear its getting worse here, my nose has not found it a problem maybe cause i like the smell of burnt wood. but my throat disagrees. i was fasting a few days back so i worry when my throat felt uncomfortable. but i bought some cough syrup so that helps. i take it almost everyday, as to kind of cleanse my respiratory system. 

having classes while also having haze is horrible, it makes you want to just roll in bed and think 'I don't want to go. Haze so bad might as well just stay in bed'. But i did go so no worries on my studies yeah. thought of screwing up my eating habit cause i was gaining weight but now i'm still eating healthy so i don't think i'm disciplined enough with myself. haiya, what to do la. ramadan is coming soon and i have still about 7 days to pay back, yes, yes, i'm such a bad Muslim. i know and i'm still in progress so moving on. i've signed up for three clubs but out of all of them only one is a new choice. oh well, there goes my plan to be social. i can't help it to be social means to be poor. look at their membership fees. can feed me for many days oh! and well others that were cheap didn't interest me.

last input: i admit i am rather messed up, but not critically so. i contradict in my wants and actions but i don't think i mind that. cause i think i don't mind letting the beast in me be me. even if it means i become not nice or unusual. fin.

note: tutorial time. oh hey, tmrw maybe holiday!

different in a day

travelling from sabah back to melaka had been pleasant but reaching my room i revert back to my old hateful habits. one among them is sleeping late, and i mean real late. to which you may call even real early. anyway, i'm having a hard time cleaning up my part of the room cause i seem to have more things then before. that and well i've got things to do at the table hence i cannot tidy said table.

however, do not fret for i have cleaned my bed. there must be something said on how beautiful a newly cleaned bed looks like. the sunshine smell and the unwrinkled bedsheets. simply perfection. Big NEWS! I have a new room mate. Shockingly enough, she came in to the room when i wasn't around and well no one told me of this sudden change. i'm quite annoyed at the management as well as my previous room mate, who by the by i'm not missing yet. i confess me and her could drive each other insane. 

Went on a lunch date with a friend of mine, Eleanor. Spent bout two hours just sitting and talking. i miss home, even before the air plane left Sabah. i wanna go back. i don't care how this entry sounds so uncoordinated. tomorrow school starts.

note: fasting month is coming up and what the heck is wrong with me?! TOMORROW I SHALL FAST! INSYALLAH. 

and crap i accidentally deleted one of my old post. dayum.

just the beginning

lately, ive been feeling quite touchy and moody. And hence when i am forced to hold a conversation with a stranger, im no longer my usual self. im told that when i am in the public i become real docile and quiet. but the true me is an aggressive and strict cactus.

few days back i was approached by a saleswoman, who was selling products relating to my religion. i answered her as best as i could but im sure she could tell i was not happy. because i do not find it nice that they use my religion as a pressure for me to buy, even if it was not on purpose. towards the end of that encounter i have a new outlook on promoters now. i wonder why was i so honest to her, giving her the chance to judge me. i saw it in her eyes, she made me feel insulted. is it wrong to live differently, and now i wonder it is wrong for me to complain here. maybe it is.....life feels so restricted all of a sudden.

ive completed all my work and now am trying to start the study engine but, look where i am instead. on this blog. heh, i had a date just now with a friend, she too felt like for these few days murder was hanging on the edge of our minds. tension.. thirst... whatever this is i hope it passes quickly, im starting to think im not in control of myself. but then who said i ever was. great, i must sound crazy already. i miss home. miss my family's voices. one reason why i don't like calling home. 

besides that, new semester is rolling in. got to register for the available subjects, have to meet and discuss with my advisor. i must admit, although i talk about my studies im not an A student. im more of a C and i know the travel from here to A will take more then luck and hard work. still i think im improving, no more supplementary papers! YEAH! most seniors say that the third year will drain us to the bones. and im afraid if they are exaggerating or understating it. even now, me and my coursemates feel the weight of our choice. 

to end this, i shall announce the things i anticipate to happen. Big bad wolf book sale and fun fair! it has been so long since i went to a fun fair maybe five years? i think people would tend to forget the years passed after form 5, at least i do. they seemed to have hidden or merge with other memories. i pray that they all fall on days where i am free and energized. so long and farewell for now. 

note: forgot to put note until after i published. what to say, life is not the problem. i think i am. me have to improve more.

busy bee

this month, i am having to do lots of work. and i may have been too annoyed. im actually pretty lazy to type down anything right now. i have to prepare for tutorial and finish off two assignments. im grateful that i could only register for two subjects. even as it is im pretty packed up. i look at my arms and tell myself to go exercise but, damn. can i say im too lazy? anyway, besides that i also have to finish up these books ive decided to read. i wish i could just finish it off in one go. like some incredible bookworm. 

having applied for internet banking i took up some responsibilities, and one of them is buying airplane tickets. somehow, i dunno. it feels like the money is slipping through my fingers. i want to go work. but im too scared to just do it. i see the part timer sign and i urge myself. but alas, i still find myself passing by it and not entering. why is it that i can find courage for some ridiculous things but not for the important aspects in life. like making more friends, joining more activities, going into random shops, .....gah. im even afraid to try new food. im ashamed of myself. i want to be more outgoing but ive been so me that i cant. (i know stupid excuse)

doing new things, now that should be something on my list on everyday of my life. hahahaha, like that would actually happen. well maybe per month or per week. potato, ive got other things to do then try out new things. grr, make up your mind Baica. please, my mind is not the only authority here. to end this, ive dyed my hair. tehee!

note: i chose the color light golden brown cause my mum said to pick brown. its different and well its something new as well.