when did it start?

Sometimes don't you ever wonder when did it start?

I have this fear for people which i'm sure many can relate to, but i wondered when did it start? Was it when i realized the world was confined to what people thought of? Was it when i saw my ugly sides? Was it when i lost trust in strangers? Was it when the world opened my eyes? Whenever it was, i'm still haunted by it.

But heck another version of me without this fear may prove to be just as unattractive to me. Still, i cant help but feel that i lose something in exchange for this choice of living, of fearing. Truth is you always have to give up something when you choose. I've never really thought on whether i did choose it. more like, i couldn't run from it. Its a part of me. Instinct, a feeling from a certain emotion..........it's not even explainable. But its strong.

I'm just rambling i suppose, you might not even get it and i don't blame you. It just means you are clean perhaps even pure for not being suspicious of people the way i am. Sadly enough this proves that i'm weak. Oh well, Laa hawlaa wa laa quawatta illah billah.

note: how come the time for my blog is not same as my computer?? 

Suddenly missing

i was thinking of how i'm currently still hoping to find my missing letter and that this hide-and-seek game is too tiring. then suddenly, i missed playing my childhood games. the moments where i would scream as i ran about and feel the adrenaline rushing through me. ahh, wish i could do that again. wish i had all that energy and zest in me. wish i was still naive to everything. wish i was still full of potential to overcome anything. 

wishing, that's all i'm doing. what a lazy thing i am. next time i meet my old friends, i think i'll suggest a game of ice-and-fire or taxi. we'd be awkward about it i suppose but then this is the only option available to relive that part of my life. that or dream.......

was talking about this once during dinner with my friend. her reply was that "All you need is a playground." it somehow made sense, but no playground it designed for older and more heavier people is there? still i would also need playmates to actually enjoy said playground. Now i'm reminded of how lonely an empty playground is hahahahaha...

i'll end this before i get more nostalgic and sad. below are explanations to the games, i hope i got it right.

note: 
ice-and-fire> where the amount of people are separated equally into the groups of ice and fire. the ices are then to chase and freeze all the fire to win the game. but, the fires are allowed to save their friends by touching them and yelling fire. to freeze the fire, the ices have to touch and yell ice. i forgot, can the ice turn to fire? i think you can or else wouldn't the game just be never ending?

taxi (my school's version?) > where everyone was to never touch the ground and there was one enemy. the enemy was to close his/her eyes and touch around to find people. once touched you're out of the game. ahh, this game is abit like hide-and-seek huh.

hide-and-seek> do i even need to explain? its a famous game among kids of many cultures still it may differ right. so, basically there is again only one enemy. he/she was to count to a certain number and then seek for those who went to hide when he was counting. warning: when he/she was counting, that person must have closed their eyes.

a digestion condition

had diarrhea at the start of the year and thought to myself, maybe just maybe my family has digestion problems?

my elder sister is said to have a sensitive gastric condition, sounds a bit exaggerated but i find medical terms should give of that feeling.

anyway, im rather prone to having lots of diarrhea but the doctor said having it alot isnt a problem. however, you tend to lose alot of water when you go through diarrhea so that maybe a danger. still, its okay and actually more preferable compared to flu, fever or gastric for me. the pain is only for some time and it has medicine that can cure it quickly. 

this time i think it was the overdose of cheese that triggered it. that day i had decided to go out to celebrate new year (in a way). so because i went to a favourite bakery of mine, i bought all sorts of cheese filled bun. my mistake. a bakery is very dangerous, it always has been. i find it amazing when people can bake so well, im not even sure if i could produce some decent cookies. 

aside from that, i watched Les Miserables yesterday. its a very touching movie although rather weird cause its a musical. my tudung was wet with tears after it ended. so for those who havent watched it and are the easily teary kind, do bring tissues. you may just need it.

and lastly, i have now three more assignments to go and so many tutorials too. so bye bye!

note: my cute lecturer is single! hahahaha! can admire without guilt.