bad manners.

What am I to do with myself? I have horrible manners. I'm vicious and repulsive.

When I was young I had this not-too-wonderful experience of handling a bank employee. She just got mad at me for being ignorant. Besides that I also cannot deal with promoters, they tend to release their frustration on their customers. It is like we have to buy the product. 

Anyway, today it happened again. I made the bank promoter angry. I don't know, was I right to listen to her promote her product or was I wrong to lead her on? Ugh...and while I was listening to her I admit I was not real nice and attentive. All my answers were bland and dull. The usual 'Yup', 'Uh-huh' and 'I don't know'. I'm feeling guilty and a bit disappointed, cause she did not take my rejection well and just quickly hang up. Maybe its policy so as to not waste anymore time and money. Oh! I was also thinking darkly that I should make her talk long so that she uses more money for the call. 

WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY HEAD?!!!! how could I purposely thought that. I suppose from the start of the call I should have said "No, sorry I'm not interested in anything you have to offer." The situation would have been way more simple. Have I not learn anything from past experience?? Apparently, not.

Furthermore, today I got an impromptu lecture from an uncle I usually see and sometimes greet in the campus. It was in Bahasa Malaysia so honestly half the time I had no idea what he was talking about. He spoke real fast so all I could do was look and reply like I understood. The gist of it is that even if I have a weapon I should use my brain and protect my country and family. I suppose I agree with that but even with smarts nothing is certain. I try put the issue of war and chaos at the back of my brain because I'm a coward and I'm selfish, but maybe someday that too will have to go.

note: Final is in 6 days. I'm nervous and yet relaxed. I think I'm in for a ride. Blargh.

to impulsive ideas

So, I'm sitting here thinking of how to start and thought "Let's just not think anymore."

Today and in fact yesterday was a rather eventful day, if I were compare it with my everyday routine that is.

YESTERDAY : I woke up and headed to Conflict's tutorial, which ended real nice and quick. My lecturer left and so I attacked the lonely computer. But before everyone left a classmate of mine called out to me asking if I went to the replacement class for Land. I gasp and exclaimed "GOT MEH?! I thought not confirmed". She then replied "Yeah, memang pun tak". Being rather horrid in Bahasa Malaysia, I got confused for a moment then it hit me. SHE WAS JOKING. I don't know how she felt but that small prank made me smile widely to myself as it replayed in my mind.

After that, I had another class at two pm by the same lecturer only this time because of the lack of students attending the tutorial he decided to end it early as well. But before that, he was making a phone call. While trying to communicate to the other person he said my name then handed the handphone over to me, saying to talk to the person on the line. Oh God. My lecturer demands more of me than normal, dah la my bahasa teruk. But I somehow managed and got the person on the line to understand my lecturer's request.

TODAY: Getting lost leads you to certain good places, as me and my friend discovered after printing our assignment. She just drove the car and got distracted with all the dog love that when we saw a playground we just stop and went down. Coincidently, the playground had two swings and we both just started swinging away. While doing that we talked about random things, like our own childhood playgrounds, houses with low fences, religion, science and the norms. 

About the assignment, I had been struggling with it for somedays and today was the due date. I miraculously completed 7 pages of work and when we sent in the work, my lecturer poked holes in it. I felt so frustrated, I just had to release and celebrate after the few previous maddening days of torturing my brain. So I kept bugging my friend to go karaoke with me but when we reached there the only rooms available costs about RM25 and as I looked at my friend for her opinion she said, "That's a steak". I laughed and we both left disappointed. Still feeling hungry for some fun, we headed for a bowling centre nearby. There we discovered cheap bowling and I had a spare, my friend on the other hand had a strike.

Feeling excited I convinced her to go look at the secluded planetarium that she's been wondering about. It was well kept but you get the feeling of being cut out from the world cause the place looks old and secretive due to the fact that there was no one there at all. It was a big property and exploring it was a treat for any curious soul. We however did not go for the activities provided because we came at near closing time. All in all, today was partly nice. I shouldn't complain.

my sister just asked me whether I'm going to sleep and yeah I should. Need my beauty sleep. Goodnight!

note: i was bowling in my baju kurung. hahaha!

fasting again

it is already almost the ending of august and I have just gotten the motivation to write the first post of the month. funny how after reading a relative's blog I felt a bit stung by her words. Do forgive me if I've caused some pain by what I convey here. There is no excuse to hurting someone even if we are strangers. 

And so, my hari raya this year turned out rather well. I was afraid of arriving at my grandmother's house earlier than everyone else but it was not bad at all. Spent the days in a way relaxing since part of the afternoon and evening was just me reading and sleeping. But after a while I got tired of being helpful so I just ran away from the kitchen. Also this year, I prayed at the mosque there which I never did before. it was surprisingly not full. Coming from the city the mosques are always full and overflowing. 

Besides that, I enjoyed celebrating yet again another festive season with all my family and relatives. Insyallah, the next one will be just as good or even better. After coming back to uni, I still felt like I was fasting and so I just ate less than before. Thinking of losing more weight if possible and I am now fasting again to fulfil the six days of fasting in Syawal. If today ends well I'll be left with three more days. HAR HAR HAR! 

Additionally I'm in the middle of a really complicated and tough assignment because rather than 5 people this assignment consist only of me and my friend, Nadwa. I'm getting headache and stomach pain from the stress. And I rarely get headaches. But what must be done must be done. So I hope I do it good and well. Other than that, mid term results are out and they are not pretty. Can only blame myself, I'm rather surprised that I manage to get close to ten for Land Law 1 but that is still a fail so I shouldn't go celebrating or something.

Oh, I also recently found a tennis ball in a dried drain, it was like an adventure when I had to go in and retrieve it. But now that little tennis ball is now my new darling. Helps me stretch out and move. Always did wonder what could I do to workout a bit in this small apartment. God works in wondrous ways. I'm eating pasta tonight when I break my fast. I should probably go cook the sausages now. Goodbye and good day!

note: feels empty if i don't put this. 

sea witch

now it has happen once or twice where i have mistaken my dreams as memories. and i am forgetting things faster now. example, today i have no idea where my land law act is. i thought of bringing it out with me, but i realize that throughout the whole journey and lecture the book may have not been with me. hence, as i type this out in the library i hope my book is laying somewhere safe in my room.

and yesterday me and my friend did a health check up. it can be confirmed that my height is officially 159 cm. harharharharhar, wish i was taller then my weight would be nearer to my ideal weight and so my younger sister doesn't reach my height. as at the number where i am........i should lose 6 more kg. it is so sad to know that after more than one month from home i am still at the same number. this is not good at all.

my mind is at the moment filled with thinking about assignments, studies, fees, money, weight, missing statute, manga and transport. my friend has advised me to buy tickets during this week and not to commit suicide by buying later. 

i wonder if it is really unfair of me being so laid back here....i mean its not like its so easy but i guess people make you feel guilty for the way u live. i think most of the times i just push it to the back of my mind and try put up all sorts of mind walls around that issue. conclusion, i hesitate to go back there again.

also i figured out why i don't like seemingly nice people, it is cause of pity. i leave the entry at this because like i got work to do and i read somewhere people who talk alot do alot of mistake. don't if that applies here but i'm thinking it does.

note: my ramadan.......somehow i kind of do wish the month was longer.

towers of paper

Ramadan is in! and i'm super lazy on the weekends. what the hell is wrong with me? why can't i be up and learning at the early morning? i'm hating myself more than before. especially cause with so many work i should realize that the situation is going to explode in my face.

Few days back my friend seems real motivated to lose her weight. i'm thinking how i envy that motivation, and start to wish she wouldn't change. Gawd, i'm an awful friend. Maybe what i need to some restructuring of my books and things. a lecturer once told me she liked to do that so she would feel refreshed. i plan to do just that, who cares if i sleep late. i obviously do not deserve anymore shut eye after what i did for the whole morning.

I'm thinking i should also move the pasting on my wall around. a change of scenery yeah. and now i've got nothing to say but that i've been too lazy and i pray ALLAH S.W.T. give me motivation and strength to finish what i've taken upon myself. Amin.

note: Bazaar Ramadan is dangerous. Buying too many things that i don't need.

no way gone

mid term season is in, and assignments are hatchings? my mind is haunted by this fear that i'm not prepared for the up coming troubles. that and the fact that ramadhan is starting next week. i watched this video and supposedly i should celebrate this incredible month but truthfully i'm quite terrified. don't know how it is any different from the last years but there it is. 

having just gone through a discussion session with a close friend i'm lost on how i should view the world. openly? or conservatively? either way, i just hope that i'm not pressing her with stupid thoughts. which is highly likely a possible outcome to what i have done. ugh.... 

i've also recently been getting too many teasing remarks about an admirer. i've got issues with the opposite gender and let's just say i'm okay being cold towards them. of course this would affect my whole life and reputation but i can't help but see them as dangerous. anyway, the teasing is to the point where i am so annoyed i might be glaring at the admirer. and then there is the information given to my friend about secret pictures. hrmm... 

whatever lah. i leave it all to Allah S.W.T..

additionally, i just realised that for this whole trimester i would have to wake up early daily. personally i don't understand how morning people do it, i mean it sounds very miraculous for them to wake up early and not want to go back to bed. wish i had this super power. hahaha, of all things to ask. 

i'd like to conclude this entry with the fear of going back to kampung for raya. sure sometimes i enjoy it but overall i always silently dread it. kind of a love and hate thing? i don't know. i think people who are not as loving as me may understand the awkwardness and tiring situation that is present when meeting family.

note: i'm doom to spinsterhood and maybe loneliness.

letting the beast be me

i have long ago been told that i'm too serious. that i cannot take jokes. many may find this a flaw and annoying. but even after those remarks, i'm still me. i can't take jokes. can i say that being serious means you're sincere? that's what i feel being serious is. 

a day back i got sort of in trouble with a friend of mine, Mariah. she's an amazing girl, who shockingly thinks i'm pretty and is my friend. to be my friend i think is a great accomplishment. i'm not friendly, i'm a miser, i'm at many times annoying, i'm a sort of a clean freak and well i'm just not in all a great person. thus, when we fought i started to feel worthless. i mean if i could not keep this friend over a stupid mistake, am i not a horrible friend? a worthless friend?

and bad thoughts tend to lead to other bad thoughts which then brought me to cry. the heart wrenching kind. for me, the nicest kind. i get the feeling of relief after crying. maybe that is weird but i like what i like.

yesterday, i attended this annual seminar my society in the university has and well i managed to stay awake for two speakers! after not having slept the night! unfortunately though, when my academic advisor was giving her lecture, i went to wonderland. damn luck, it was like listening to a hypnosis guru. sleep came like a silent killer. anyway, it was real awesome especially the medical speaker. he was very and i mean very funny. i laughed hard and so did my friend beside me, the whole hall would agree that he was the most entertaining one of the day. okay may be not the whole.

i realize that what i said about being serious and having a fight did not finish so here's the continuing. yeah, i don't care if you're bothered by the way i write. just stop if it hurts. then come back after a panadol. anyway, she was playing a joke on me and i took it seriously thinking that she was mad. but after a silence of 30 minutes, she tells me it's a joke. i'm sure it's there somewhere on my facebook timeline. you may have opinions to which i am not willing to hear so please keep it to yourself. this was a thing between friends. who by the by are still friends. 

i've for a long time not placed an entry so i might as well make this long then. my friend's cat, Kecoh, who loves me a tiny bit, got her leg broken. she now is said to have to limp her whole life. i'm just glad she seems not to find it hard or painful to live with. my mum's birthday is tomorrow! i hope i remember about it. ah shit, and now i remember about my homework. ugh, should start soon but am so lazy. also, made birthday cards for my friends who had and are going to age. 

wat else ah....................................oh HAZE! YES FUDGE THIS HAZE PROBLEM IN MALAYSIA. i hear its getting worse here, my nose has not found it a problem maybe cause i like the smell of burnt wood. but my throat disagrees. i was fasting a few days back so i worry when my throat felt uncomfortable. but i bought some cough syrup so that helps. i take it almost everyday, as to kind of cleanse my respiratory system. 

having classes while also having haze is horrible, it makes you want to just roll in bed and think 'I don't want to go. Haze so bad might as well just stay in bed'. But i did go so no worries on my studies yeah. thought of screwing up my eating habit cause i was gaining weight but now i'm still eating healthy so i don't think i'm disciplined enough with myself. haiya, what to do la. ramadan is coming soon and i have still about 7 days to pay back, yes, yes, i'm such a bad Muslim. i know and i'm still in progress so moving on. i've signed up for three clubs but out of all of them only one is a new choice. oh well, there goes my plan to be social. i can't help it to be social means to be poor. look at their membership fees. can feed me for many days oh! and well others that were cheap didn't interest me.

last input: i admit i am rather messed up, but not critically so. i contradict in my wants and actions but i don't think i mind that. cause i think i don't mind letting the beast in me be me. even if it means i become not nice or unusual. fin.

note: tutorial time. oh hey, tmrw maybe holiday!

different in a day

travelling from sabah back to melaka had been pleasant but reaching my room i revert back to my old hateful habits. one among them is sleeping late, and i mean real late. to which you may call even real early. anyway, i'm having a hard time cleaning up my part of the room cause i seem to have more things then before. that and well i've got things to do at the table hence i cannot tidy said table.

however, do not fret for i have cleaned my bed. there must be something said on how beautiful a newly cleaned bed looks like. the sunshine smell and the unwrinkled bedsheets. simply perfection. Big NEWS! I have a new room mate. Shockingly enough, she came in to the room when i wasn't around and well no one told me of this sudden change. i'm quite annoyed at the management as well as my previous room mate, who by the by i'm not missing yet. i confess me and her could drive each other insane. 

Went on a lunch date with a friend of mine, Eleanor. Spent bout two hours just sitting and talking. i miss home, even before the air plane left Sabah. i wanna go back. i don't care how this entry sounds so uncoordinated. tomorrow school starts.

note: fasting month is coming up and what the heck is wrong with me?! TOMORROW I SHALL FAST! INSYALLAH. 

and crap i accidentally deleted one of my old post. dayum.

just the beginning

lately, ive been feeling quite touchy and moody. And hence when i am forced to hold a conversation with a stranger, im no longer my usual self. im told that when i am in the public i become real docile and quiet. but the true me is an aggressive and strict cactus.

few days back i was approached by a saleswoman, who was selling products relating to my religion. i answered her as best as i could but im sure she could tell i was not happy. because i do not find it nice that they use my religion as a pressure for me to buy, even if it was not on purpose. towards the end of that encounter i have a new outlook on promoters now. i wonder why was i so honest to her, giving her the chance to judge me. i saw it in her eyes, she made me feel insulted. is it wrong to live differently, and now i wonder it is wrong for me to complain here. maybe it is.....life feels so restricted all of a sudden.

ive completed all my work and now am trying to start the study engine but, look where i am instead. on this blog. heh, i had a date just now with a friend, she too felt like for these few days murder was hanging on the edge of our minds. tension.. thirst... whatever this is i hope it passes quickly, im starting to think im not in control of myself. but then who said i ever was. great, i must sound crazy already. i miss home. miss my family's voices. one reason why i don't like calling home. 

besides that, new semester is rolling in. got to register for the available subjects, have to meet and discuss with my advisor. i must admit, although i talk about my studies im not an A student. im more of a C and i know the travel from here to A will take more then luck and hard work. still i think im improving, no more supplementary papers! YEAH! most seniors say that the third year will drain us to the bones. and im afraid if they are exaggerating or understating it. even now, me and my coursemates feel the weight of our choice. 

to end this, i shall announce the things i anticipate to happen. Big bad wolf book sale and fun fair! it has been so long since i went to a fun fair maybe five years? i think people would tend to forget the years passed after form 5, at least i do. they seemed to have hidden or merge with other memories. i pray that they all fall on days where i am free and energized. so long and farewell for now. 

note: forgot to put note until after i published. what to say, life is not the problem. i think i am. me have to improve more.

busy bee

this month, i am having to do lots of work. and i may have been too annoyed. im actually pretty lazy to type down anything right now. i have to prepare for tutorial and finish off two assignments. im grateful that i could only register for two subjects. even as it is im pretty packed up. i look at my arms and tell myself to go exercise but, damn. can i say im too lazy? anyway, besides that i also have to finish up these books ive decided to read. i wish i could just finish it off in one go. like some incredible bookworm. 

having applied for internet banking i took up some responsibilities, and one of them is buying airplane tickets. somehow, i dunno. it feels like the money is slipping through my fingers. i want to go work. but im too scared to just do it. i see the part timer sign and i urge myself. but alas, i still find myself passing by it and not entering. why is it that i can find courage for some ridiculous things but not for the important aspects in life. like making more friends, joining more activities, going into random shops, .....gah. im even afraid to try new food. im ashamed of myself. i want to be more outgoing but ive been so me that i cant. (i know stupid excuse)

doing new things, now that should be something on my list on everyday of my life. hahahaha, like that would actually happen. well maybe per month or per week. potato, ive got other things to do then try out new things. grr, make up your mind Baica. please, my mind is not the only authority here. to end this, ive dyed my hair. tehee!

note: i chose the color light golden brown cause my mum said to pick brown. its different and well its something new as well.

yearning for excitement

hellooooo! hello there!

lots has happened since my last post, I celebrated my friend's birthday at Seoul Garden (this Korean buffet restaurant). I must admit I did indeed forgot her birthday and thus had not prepared any gift. But not to worry I bought her some expensive ice creams as her present. *granted it was so expensive she paid half of it, cause well she really wanted it. 

Next, I, for the first time in my life sang to karaoke until my voice sounded hoarse. It was kind of awesome to have used and stretched my voice to a point where it could no longer be the same but this was very-very short term. after dinner my voice became normal again. Most people ask me what songs I sang, here are a few. White flag by Dido, Rolling in the deep by Adele, Superman by Five for Fighting, Diary of Jane by Breaking Benjamin, James Morrison and Nelly Furtado's "Broken Strings" as well as "A hero of War" by Rise Against.

And.......I attended an event that was all the way in Cyberjaya. The uni that it was at was so amazing! the buildings! the design! the majestic feeling! I got jealous of it for a moment then realized how tiring schooling in such a place would be. Still that is not my goal in going there, the event itself was pretty good. I just signed up cause I was rather bored and all the travelling was real adventuress. Sad to say, some did not enjoy it as much but oh well. 

Lastly, I've so far have attended all except one class among all my lectures and tutorials. Am getting sleepy so I should end this quick and painless. YEAH! zz....so I said I did lots of things but now that it's out here it looks not that much. what to do, life hasn't really given me a tornado. but I trust soon will be the time I panic, for assignments would come sailing in along with their good friend the mid terms. Conclusion, I should gear up and prep. Night.

note: met and talked with some nice girls in the event but i find myself to be really not interested when someone complains to me. hai...

a new sem, a new resolve.

It's been some time since the last post. The reason why I haven't been updating is because I was at home in Sabah so updating it seemed rather not worth it if my sister already knows what I'm doing. (Since it was cause of her that I started this). That and well I was really into my holiday mood.

Speaking of Sabah, I am ill equip to say anything so no comment. But concerning my new resolve, it came to me during my visit to kampung. By travelling there I am enlighten on my sinful ways. And of how ignorant I am on my religion. Hence, the new resolve is to be constant in my prayers, learn more of Islam and learn to like waking up early. Oh and another one, inspired by the quotes on my lecturer's door is to live without worry and haste. In conclusion, living in a calm sense I suppose. Tis the truth I feel that I stress over things too much. 

On another note, I'm thinking I should get a broadband to ease my everyday life with faster connection. Saying that I should also remember that by applying for one I would incur a lost of RM100 and perhaps even more stress. I should plan this cautiously. Many things to do and I've no idea where to start. God send me a sign! I'm in need of directions. I end this post with warm wishes to everyone whose got things to do. Have fun and good day!

note: I passed all my subjects! Alhamdulillah.

go find my shoes.

Bullshit!

Ahem, sorry to start the first entry of the month with that word but I got some exorcising to do. Having not done the best that I can for an exam paper I'm taking for the second time, I'm feeling a little panicked and distracted by the horror of my results. Also, I will not hesitate to imagine your murder if you say it's my own fault. SERIOUSLY, DON'T.

Tomorrow is the last paper and it's also a DEATH-INDUCING-FRIEND-FROM-HELL paper. I should use more of my time to study for it but like said I'm in the progress of exorcising. After finishing the exams I would then have four fabulously long and torturous weeks before coming face to face with my exam results. The joy I now possess in knowing what lies in my future. jbdsfksdfuio, T_T

I just wish exams were like getting a cut, the pain comes quick. Well I'm off now, wish me luck.

note: i'm no kind human, if i could i'd rather be some tree in a random forest.

when did it start?

Sometimes don't you ever wonder when did it start?

I have this fear for people which i'm sure many can relate to, but i wondered when did it start? Was it when i realized the world was confined to what people thought of? Was it when i saw my ugly sides? Was it when i lost trust in strangers? Was it when the world opened my eyes? Whenever it was, i'm still haunted by it.

But heck another version of me without this fear may prove to be just as unattractive to me. Still, i cant help but feel that i lose something in exchange for this choice of living, of fearing. Truth is you always have to give up something when you choose. I've never really thought on whether i did choose it. more like, i couldn't run from it. Its a part of me. Instinct, a feeling from a certain emotion..........it's not even explainable. But its strong.

I'm just rambling i suppose, you might not even get it and i don't blame you. It just means you are clean perhaps even pure for not being suspicious of people the way i am. Sadly enough this proves that i'm weak. Oh well, Laa hawlaa wa laa quawatta illah billah.

note: how come the time for my blog is not same as my computer?? 

Suddenly missing

i was thinking of how i'm currently still hoping to find my missing letter and that this hide-and-seek game is too tiring. then suddenly, i missed playing my childhood games. the moments where i would scream as i ran about and feel the adrenaline rushing through me. ahh, wish i could do that again. wish i had all that energy and zest in me. wish i was still naive to everything. wish i was still full of potential to overcome anything. 

wishing, that's all i'm doing. what a lazy thing i am. next time i meet my old friends, i think i'll suggest a game of ice-and-fire or taxi. we'd be awkward about it i suppose but then this is the only option available to relive that part of my life. that or dream.......

was talking about this once during dinner with my friend. her reply was that "All you need is a playground." it somehow made sense, but no playground it designed for older and more heavier people is there? still i would also need playmates to actually enjoy said playground. Now i'm reminded of how lonely an empty playground is hahahahaha...

i'll end this before i get more nostalgic and sad. below are explanations to the games, i hope i got it right.

note: 
ice-and-fire> where the amount of people are separated equally into the groups of ice and fire. the ices are then to chase and freeze all the fire to win the game. but, the fires are allowed to save their friends by touching them and yelling fire. to freeze the fire, the ices have to touch and yell ice. i forgot, can the ice turn to fire? i think you can or else wouldn't the game just be never ending?

taxi (my school's version?) > where everyone was to never touch the ground and there was one enemy. the enemy was to close his/her eyes and touch around to find people. once touched you're out of the game. ahh, this game is abit like hide-and-seek huh.

hide-and-seek> do i even need to explain? its a famous game among kids of many cultures still it may differ right. so, basically there is again only one enemy. he/she was to count to a certain number and then seek for those who went to hide when he was counting. warning: when he/she was counting, that person must have closed their eyes.

a digestion condition

had diarrhea at the start of the year and thought to myself, maybe just maybe my family has digestion problems?

my elder sister is said to have a sensitive gastric condition, sounds a bit exaggerated but i find medical terms should give of that feeling.

anyway, im rather prone to having lots of diarrhea but the doctor said having it alot isnt a problem. however, you tend to lose alot of water when you go through diarrhea so that maybe a danger. still, its okay and actually more preferable compared to flu, fever or gastric for me. the pain is only for some time and it has medicine that can cure it quickly. 

this time i think it was the overdose of cheese that triggered it. that day i had decided to go out to celebrate new year (in a way). so because i went to a favourite bakery of mine, i bought all sorts of cheese filled bun. my mistake. a bakery is very dangerous, it always has been. i find it amazing when people can bake so well, im not even sure if i could produce some decent cookies. 

aside from that, i watched Les Miserables yesterday. its a very touching movie although rather weird cause its a musical. my tudung was wet with tears after it ended. so for those who havent watched it and are the easily teary kind, do bring tissues. you may just need it.

and lastly, i have now three more assignments to go and so many tutorials too. so bye bye!

note: my cute lecturer is single! hahahaha! can admire without guilt.